She is just so damned beautiful. That's the problem. I had planned to go to sleep early tonight because I'm so exhausted these days I can't form simple sentences, but instead I had to lie here and stare at her until my eyes watered. She has that effect on people, I think. I get the feeling she always will, too. This one, she is positively mesmerizing.
Overall, we had a nice, relaxing Saturday, but it was definitely
on the gross side of warm which made everything feel more frustrating
than it needed to be. Spring is supposed to be beautiful -- crisp and
fresh, you know -- but Arizona decided it was gonna ratchet up the heat a
notch or two, and probably as a result of this combined with my general
fatigue, I ended up walking around half the day wondering what smelled
so funky weird before I realized it was me. Yeah, I know, gross, but
that's the kind of day it was.
Anyway, despite having to break
down and turn on the AC, we enjoyed a pleasant day of family banter,
playing with Sophie and napping as much as we wanted. Jamie, Carina and I
even took Sophie to the grocery store for the first time. Maybe because
she was so enthralled by all the novelty or maybe because I had her in
the Ergo baby carrier, she seemed to really enjoy the trip and didn't
fuss once, although she seemed a bit put out that we couldn't stop to
examine things for longer periods of time. I had held off taking her
anywhere in public until now because I had such fear of illness entering
her little, unprepared body, but she seems to have weathered a house
full of sick people very well, so I decided it was most likely safe. (Of
course that didn't stop me from silently steering clear of actual
people as we walked through the aisles. I'm neurotic like that and it can't be helped.)
Which brings me to one of the frightening things about
parenthood: the fear for their safety never really goes away. Ever. You
just learn to manage it, I guess. When Jamie came down with the flu, I
remember I had such dark, worried thoughts as I listened to her cough
and imagined the spittle flying from one room right into Sophie's mouth.
I mean, I hardly slept a wink out of fear that this nasty flu would
come steal my baby away during the night. And it was right in the middle
of one of these dark nights and darker thoughts that I realized I had
to make peace with this fear, because it was a life partner now. I told
myself that this is the Universe telling you there is something precious
and worthwhile in your life and to pay attention to it and love it and
be grateful for it and in the meantime push the worry to the back of
your mind as far as you can, because it's going to be a long road, lady.
I love her and enjoy her and am grateful every day for her mesmerizing
spirit, and I try to keep my worry in the far recesses of my mind as much as possible. From what I can tell so far, she seems to be a curious, happy, somewhat intense child who is eager to explore the world around her.
now it's time for her mom to get some sleep, so maybe, just maybe, she
can give her a nice tour somewhere tomorrow without smelling funky and
having remembered to brush her teeth and wear proper clothes. One can